Thursday, January 26, 2012

depressed crap

I was depressed a lot in high school but since leaving I've been pretty consistently happy. There've been times, though, when I was scared that that happiness was really fragile, really ephemeral. For these past eight months or so I've felt sort of like I was on the edge. That's how Will 2 put it in Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I was always on the edge, and if just one thing went wrong, if I just shifted the tiniest bit too far, I'd tip over and be in that place again.
And I think that's happened now. So yay.
I don't even know what it is. I just suck at everything and everyone else knows it. Nobody wants to be around me. Not even the people who are far away.
And my friends here are having conversations about things that are really important to me, but I don't necessarily agree with the things they're saying, but I'm scared if I try to tell them what I'm thinking like I really want to, then they won't want to be around me anymore either.
I'm just kind of a shitty excuse for a person and everything is falling down around me because of it.

Writing this, I'm aware of how laughably melodramatic I am being. It's kind of strange how I can be aware of how ridiculous this is but I can't stop thinking and feeling all these really stupid and probably ungrounded things.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sonnets what I wrote.

My English final was to write some fanfiction-esque poetry or prose based on one of the literary works we'd read during the semester. In other news, I love my school.
Anyway, I wrote some sonnets from the point of view of Florence from the graphic memoir Epileptic. I'm putting them up here so my FiveFromATown friends can read them and offer critique/suggestions if they want. These sonnets and their assessment is due at 8:00 tonight so. I'mma start that assessment now.

Context, if you so desire:
Florence is the little sister of the author. To be brief about it, their family has some pretty fucked up stuff going on in their lives. Florence suffers from anxiety and depression due to the situation they're in, and at one point she attempts suicide. She also writes angsty poetry in the memoir, so it seemed logical and in character to write angsty poetry from her POV.
The first sonnet details Florence's reaction to a death/suicide of a family friend and his son--The father locked himself in his car with his young son and they both died of carbon monoxide poisoning. I thought this event was probably what inspired Florence to take control of her own death.
The second sonnet is about Florence's ghosts: a psychic told her she was being haunted by a gang of motorcyclists who died in an accident, so she tried to let them speak through her, but being aware of their pain (which was probably just her own pain manifesting itself in ghosts) just increased her anxiety. Also the second sonnet is in Petrarchan form so the rhyming pattern is different.

Sonnet #1 -
The other day inside his father’s car
A boy died with his face against the glass.
His whole small life was sealed inside a jar,
His time was sucked out, breath by breath, so fast.
Death came, its hands all dewey-moist and warm
Its fingers clawing swiftly down his throat.
He died locked in his parent’s caring arms,
So small, so powerless to stay afloat.
I’m trapped inside that box, trapped with my fears.
The air slips out like sand from an hour glass.
But I’ve been suffocating many years,
And when I die, I will escape my past.
I cannot fight. I’m weak. I have no voice.
Yet my death, when it comes, will be my choice.

Sonnet #2 -
When darkness falls, we can unlock the cage
around my ears where deathly voices rasp
their night dictation. Whitened fingers grasp
my quaking pen as words seep onto page:
Ruptured flesh and metal-screeching rage,
Bleeding mouths stretched in a dying gasp,
Their shattered bodies, broken fingers clasp
my brain – I quiver, desperate to assuage
this pain – they swamp into my swelling mind
As though I am a life boat in the storm;
Our death repeats, and then we are reborn:
We crash, we die again, we’re flying blind,
We’re broken, ripped apart, we die as one,
They scream into my ears – yet I’m alone.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I like life and stuff.

I just had a really awesome weekend with Polly and Beth. I'd missed hanging out with them even more than I'd realized. We spent the weekend watching a lot of Stargate and Supernatural, eating nothing but leftover Thanksgiving food and birthday cupcakes, wordsprinting in cafés and libraries, and being the silliest people in a ten-mile radius. I love my friends. (They also tied me to a chair and made me watch My Little Pony. Let's talk about that another time.)

So as break was coming to an end, and I parted from Beth and Polly and got on the public transport back to school, I was really sad. I know I only have to be at school for another two and a half weeks, and that's not that long, but I still found myself feeling like I really, really, really didn't want to go back to school. I don't know why. I like my school. But going back there seemed like the worst idea ever.

Also I just really missed my friends. Even though I'd been with them just a couple hours ago. Somehow I don't really miss my school friends when I'm away from them, but I miss my Interfriends and my homefriends all the freaking time. Anyway, I spent the whole trip back repeating in my mind things like I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back and I will not cry on a public bus, I will not cry in a public train station, I will not cry on a public train.

But I'm back now, and it's been surprisingly okay. Really good, actually. Two of my floormates picked me up from the train station, because the buses didn't run at the ridiculously late hour I got in, and because they are the sweetest people ever. Seeing my roommate and all my floormates and friends and classmates again--I don't know why I expected it to be excruciating, but it's been lovely. Everybody's really nice after you've all been apart for several days, and everybody has Thanksgiving stories to swap.

I thought I'd have to adjust to being alone--after being with my best friends twenty-four hours a day this break, I thought I'd get really lonely, but life and the people around me keep surprising me. My theatre class today was really fun, and afterwards some of us went and had lunch together. And I have another writing date with my school WriMo buddies tonight. I've had to readjust to watching Supernatural alone and therefore being unable to squeal and gush and fangirl, but at least I won't have to readjust to writing alone.

Also I've been hugging people more. I got in the habit of hugging all the time over break, and then just didn't really stop. So far the people I've been hugging seem okay with it. I've been preventing myself from singing "Nugget in a Biscuit" and "Robot Parade" all the time though. I know that'd be something people wouldn't be so okay with. It's been a struggle, but I'll manage.

I still can't wait to get home. I've been thinking about it every day since like, mid-October. But, on the other hand, I really like school. Being here after break isn't bad like I thought it would be. I can totally do this two and a half week thing. I like life, and all of its constituent parts.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Things Polly Says While Reading Homestuck

One of my best friends has recently started watching/reading/being a generic fan of Homestuck. She tried explaining the plot to me on the car ride up to Beth's college for Thanksgiving, and the story ends with me curled up in the backseat with my hands over my ears, moaning in brainal agony. I don't understand Homestuck. At all. I'm all for creating new kinds of art and making up stories that are crazy, but I can't comprehend why someone would create something like Homestuck. But, everyone has their cup of tea, and Polly really likes it. Also, I'm guessing Homestuck is one of those many nerdy things that is meant to be experienced but NEVER explained or summarized.

The two of us are currently sitting in the lounge of Beth's dorm building, where we've slept for our stay, and Polly is reading Homestuck. She keeps saying things. Things which I do not understand. I'm not sure if she knows I don't understand them. I'm sort of faking understandment. It only took me about ten minutes of her saying things for me to realize I should open a blog post and start typing out everything she says to me while reading this.

"Thalekth ends up in the lands of brains and fire."
"Oh, hey! Your troll has been alluding to this accident she was in and I thought it might've been the accident that made her psychic, but it's also the accident that made her dead."
"Death is kind of... everybody dies."
"It's like, Oh, you're reading Homestuck? Who's your favorite character?--DOESN'T MATTER THEY DIE."
"She gained all of the levels. All of them."

(Beth comes in) "We're leaving early tomorrow, we should go to bed--" "I know we should, I know (clicks next page) BUT IT'S SO SHINY OH MY GOD. LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THAT. IT'S JUST SO SHINY!!!"

Okay, she's being silent now so I think she's stopped reading, and I do need to go to bed. She's going to kill me when she reads this blog post. Hi, Polly. I'm a ninja.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

When Weekends Are Good.

Weekends are weird in college. In high school I got so used to weekends being my favorite thing, and days with class being something I have to endure, but in college it's been the opposite so far.

Every single one of my weekends up until this point have consisted of doing a lot of studying in the library, being harrassed by my floormates for not wanting to party, and Skyping friends or marathoning Merlin or Supernatural episodes late into the night as people drunkenly shriek and vomit outside my window. Oh yeah, and pushing drunk dudes out of my bed and taking them back to their rooms. That kind of thing.

I'm legitimately enjoying college, and I'm making friends, but college weekends can be such an awkward experience for a shy nerdy person.

So I was kind of terrified of Halloween weekend. Biggest party weekend of the year so far--maybe of the year as a whole. I thought it was guaranteed to be even more mortifying than all my past college weekends combined. But somehow this weekend things went from weird and awkward to... weird and wonderful. I like it when unexpected awesome occurs. :D

My floormates and I all dressed up in our Halloween costumes to go to our theatre class. (We're almost all in the same theatre seminar; our school organizes freshmen like that.) I think trolling our theatre professor is my new favorite thing. The look on his face when he saw us was so hilarious, and then, as he always tends to in situations like this, he related our behavior to relevant topics we've been discussing in class--costumes and how they work in the semiotics of theatre etc. etc.

Then that night, for the same theatre class, we all went to the opening night of the drama department's production of As You Like It, which was just beautiful. Two of our floormates were in it, and we mobbed them in a group hug afterwards. And I'm definitely trying out for more plays from now on, because my school's drama department is excellent.

In the evening my friend Robyn and I went to one of the on-campus cafés and had ice cream and cookies for dinner, and then cheese pizza for dessert. Afterwards, we dressed up in Hogwartsian garb and went to a showing of Harry Potter 7 part 2, and spent the film weeping and making jokes at inappropriate moments. When we got back to our floor, we stayed up late laughing at fan-made Harry Potter slash videos. (And not just normal pairings like you'd expect.) (Like, there was one with Filch involved. How I wish I were joking.)

We had our monthly floor meeting tonight, and our RA had promised us a surprise. At the end of the meeting, she brought in a hedgehog. In a little hamster exercise ball. Like, a real, living, breathing hedgehog.

College blows my mind sometimes.

(Okay, so the hedgehog wasn't COMPLETELY arbitrary. We've decided recently that our floor mascot is a hedgehog--I don't know what the logic behind this was, but we've been drawing hedgehogs on each other's whiteboards a lot because of it, so our RA thought it would be cool to bring in her friend's pet hedgehog and have us hang out with it. Have I mentioned lately that my RA is the best ever?)

I told myself I wouldn't end this blog with an "I miss you guys," but. I miss you guys. Seeing Harry Potter 7.2 always makes me think about the important people in my life and how important they are. And yeah. The end.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Hey. Hey Polly.

I'm updating my blog. Stop being angry about whatever you're angry about. :P

In other news, I HAVE FINISHED ALL OF THE PAPERS. WITH EIGHTEEN AND A HALF HOURS TO SPARE. I AM THE BEST AT TIME MANAGEMENT. *goes to edit video that has been sitting on hard drive for two weeks* *and watch all of the Dexter*

I feel really good about these papers. And also really terrified about them. And also like if I look at them one more time I will literally die. So I really should just take a deep breath and let them go. But I've put so much work into them! They're like my babies. *tear*

Ok, love yoooooouuuu bye!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I had a thought.

This is a thought I had. It's too long for Twitter and I don't Tumbl (yet), so it's going on The Blog.

This was my thought: despite the social anxieties and social angstieties (that was a funny thing I just did there), and despite the fact that my mouse pad is broken, and despite the fact that my grandma just died recently, and despite the fact that weekends are the bane of my existence, and despite the fact that I didn't get the solo I really wanted in choir, and despite the fact that I miss everyone a whole freaking ton (news flash), and despite the fact that it is midterms week and I'm stressed out... I'm really, really happy right now.

And by "right now" I mean, for the past three days, so technically this happiness could be very ephemeral. But it's important to note that this a pretty good streak for me, especially over these past couple weeks.

(By the way I'm a little bit caffeinated. I'm drinking my first coffee. A floormate made coffee for everybody since she found a crap-ton of school mugs in a box, and she's giving people free coffee to give them away. So if this makes no sense or I seem kinda nuts, I'm sorry.)

Anyway, I've been trying to understand why I'm so happy, because it seems like all the things in my life shouldn't add up to happy. Usually when I'm happy, there are very specific and evident reasons involved--things like, My friends are happy, my family's happy, I'm spending time with people I love, I don't have stressful things going on in my life, I have time and inspiration to work on creative projects, etc. And I don't really have any of those elements of happiness right now, so it has to be something else.

And I've been doing some thinking about it this afternoon, and I've realized that I am a huge nerd.

This is something we've known for years. However, it's reached a new level here. I've come to the conclusion that I am happy because of my academics. And it's not just that the classes are continuing to blow my mind (which they are), it's also the homework. I love the homework.

Since this past weekend I've been working constantly on my three midterm papers all due Friday. And I went through all the "ohmygod what will I write about my brain isn't making any sense" crises, and now I'm just absorbed in working on them, and it's weird, because while it's stressful, I don't mind, because I love it.

I've gotten to the point where I'm proud of all my papers, for one thing. (We'll see how I feel when I get them back after fall break.) And just, I don't know. I love my classes, and I love being forced to think deeply and complexly about them, and being forced to improve my ways of thinking deeply and complexly about them. And I love writing about them. And I love sharing that writing with people--usually my professors, but sometimes my peers and floormates when we peer edit for each other.

I realized this is what I miss about Invasion the most. Invasion was a really extremely happy time in my life, because even though it was very stressful (and yes, unenjoyable) at times, I was happy, because I was putting a lot of creative work into something I enjoyed and cared about, and I got to share that work and experience with people who were (and still are) really important to me.

Basically I just really freaking love writing. And I love loving writing. And I love being challenged by it. And I love feeling my brain grow. It's very fulfilling, and if I can do this for the rest of my life, I'll be gold.

A lot of times, writers I admire post things on Twitter like "writing is pain." (Stephen Moffat* once said that.) And whenever I hear things like that I just get so defensive and sullen, and a little scared too, because I don't want to lose this love of the process. And I mean, I know there are struggles and painful points in any creative process, but I think the good parts get skated over and ignored a lot, which is a terrible shame.

Anyway, this blog has gotten longer than I expected. TL;DR This was an affirmative vote for my school's academics, I miss Invasion, I miss you guys, and I REALLY FREAKING LOVE WRITING.

*Before y'all jump on me and call me a hypocrite, I'll just say that I DO admire him as a writer. Just... not as the main writer for Doctor Who.