Thursday, January 26, 2012

depressed crap

I was depressed a lot in high school but since leaving I've been pretty consistently happy. There've been times, though, when I was scared that that happiness was really fragile, really ephemeral. For these past eight months or so I've felt sort of like I was on the edge. That's how Will 2 put it in Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I was always on the edge, and if just one thing went wrong, if I just shifted the tiniest bit too far, I'd tip over and be in that place again.
And I think that's happened now. So yay.
I don't even know what it is. I just suck at everything and everyone else knows it. Nobody wants to be around me. Not even the people who are far away.
And my friends here are having conversations about things that are really important to me, but I don't necessarily agree with the things they're saying, but I'm scared if I try to tell them what I'm thinking like I really want to, then they won't want to be around me anymore either.
I'm just kind of a shitty excuse for a person and everything is falling down around me because of it.

Writing this, I'm aware of how laughably melodramatic I am being. It's kind of strange how I can be aware of how ridiculous this is but I can't stop thinking and feeling all these really stupid and probably ungrounded things.

1 comment:

  1. Your friends aren't going to leave you for disagreeing with them.
    I know that seems obvious, but I can't ever remember it either.
    I'm sorry I wasn't there for you either (until I called you and I guess...was? but that was also you being there for me so...end parenthetical statement). Life is all about being on the edge. Everyone lives on these little edges and no matter how close you think you are to the edge or how far away, no one can know where they are until they get pushed and see if they fall or not.
    And you don't know how far you'll fall until you fall.
    so we're all people standing on metaphorical cliffs, and we all have really shitty depth percetiopn.